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Sometimes I forget I still have this thing!

Not much is going on with me at the moment, other than suffering from a heavy dosage of existential angst and having "Oh my god, what am I going to do with my life." break downs every other day. College is scary. Choosing a college is scarier, especially when you have about 3 different majors in mind and some of the schools offering one, don't offer the other. 

We'll see!  Going to a community college, getting my B.A. in English with teaching certification and not paying 30k in tuition is looking  both better and worse, every day.

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It's kind of sad how rarely I update this journal, ngl.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Deathly Hallows Part Two. . .
 Not sure if want D:

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 I have decided that this shall be the summer of getting back to my roots - Hello!Project fixation, dubbing addiction, insomnia affliction. Yes.

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 I have strong reason to believe that no one in real life will remember that tomorrow is my 17th birthday. LOL.

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It's started with a simple exchanging of words.  Words confirming that you felt for me, in a way that I, secretly felt for you.  Thanks to these words, I admitted how I felt.  And everything was... great.  I honestly felt that things were finally looking up for me.  That is... until after day after day after day of holding hands, and talking into all hours of the night, of you making up dumb excuses to come into my class during your lunch to see me before being run off my Mr. Mills... you suddenly will not even acknowledge my existence.  

You, for some odd reason, aren't riding my bus in the morning.  You didn't text me for two days.  You seemed to go out of your way to not even look at me at school.  This sends me crying in the arms of my best friend before class, because this has always been one of my fears. THIS is why I actually ask said best friend (Morgan) for permission to sit with her on the bus, when... she gets angry if I DON'T sit with her.  I am always TERRIFIED, deep down, that everyone is simply tolerating me.  That no one actually thinks my jokes are funny, that in reality, I am the joke.  That everyone merely pities me, puts up with me.  It doesn't help that I recently got out of a, um, pretty dysfunctional relationship, that led to a disaster of a break up with a boy who, much like every boy I've dated, spent more time thinking about his hair and his clothes and his piercings and tattoos... than his actions and how they affect people.  

A lot of shit is going at home, and a lot of shit that has nothing to do with you, and I'm pretty much incredibly emotionally raw at this point because of all the stress I've been under. So I cry, and I cry.  My friend Chynna sees me in the hall and takes to the counselor who, upon seeing me, quickly signs me a late pass and a bathroom pass to get myself together.  I ponder, vaguely, whether or not it will read "Reason for being late: Nervous breakdown / emo kid".  So, I cry in the bathroom.  I text you asking what the hell I did.  No reply.  I go to my first block, hand him my pass, and sit down at my desk.  He removes everything from my desk... and sends me back to the bathroom, because apparently I looked like hell.  At this point, you're not even on my mind.  Which is good, because... you're kind of a dick.  What's on my mind is that I have a leading role in the school musical, but I am terrified that I'm going to ruin it.  That my family has no money and is in constant fear of being homeless.  That my grades are slipping... and my only hope of going college, rests on getting a scholarship.  That... I can't even function normally anymore without taking legal prescription drugs illegally, and that my recent drug test is probably a contributing factor to my current emotional state.

You text me back. You act as if nothing has happened.  I find out from my ex-boyfriend, embarrassingly enough, that after all that has been said and done... you asked out some chick I've never even heard of. Now, it's not that the guy I liked asked out someone else, reaffirming all of my fears that I will never be able to appeal to anyone... it's that you lied to me about it, it's the fact that you toyed with me just for fun, and just because you like being liked.  You went from being one of my best friends, to being my almost boyfriend, to being... someone I am never going to talk to again.  As soon as I got home, on a day that was supposedly an early dismissal, yet felt like one of my longest days yet, and sent you a message on facebook simply entitled, "Could you do me a favor? Um, yeah. Never fucking talk to me, ever again."  You reply and don't even bother trying to come up with an excuse, or even to apologize. You just say, in a nutshell, that you were gonna go out with me, but, y'know, you met this other chick and uh. You decided we should just stay friends.  Cuz, you know. She's not like, a fat jew.

S'all good, have fun.  But one day, this shit that you've done to me, that you've done to just about any girl in this school with a whole lotta daddy issues and not nearly enough self esteem? It's going to come back and get you. I don't know when or how, or even who.  But it'll happen.  Thanks for making me look like an idiot - just a side effect of you stroking your own ego, you pretentious prick.  Have fun spending two hours every morning fixing your hair to get that perfect "I just rolled out of bed, I'm probably high right now, I don't really give a fuck." look. A+.

(no subject)
we are salt - you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
I'm the kind of kid
that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat
your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
rather ones that just don't care
cause I know
that you're in between arms somewhere
next to heartbeats
where you shouldn't dare sleep

day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
Two hour delay for school today due to snow.  I wonder if that means today will be a short day? I can't see them keeping us in school until 5:10, is that even legal? LOL idk.  There's a lot of speculation going on on Facebook right now.

If it's a short day, I might get out of my test in first block!  As interesting as Greek history is... when you have it with a completely inept teacher, it pretty much has to be boring :(   He's trying to cover all of Greek history in a week (yeah, I know.) so he just sits at his computer browsing for pr0nz for two hours while we're supposed to silently read three chapters a day and actually absorb the information (which, trust me, in this class, after page 30 about Aristotle, it just starts to go in one ear and out the other even for someone like me that finds it interesting). LOL lrn2teach.  Bio test, but I'm almost looking forward to it.  I'm such an obnoxious know it all in there, hurrhurr.


(no subject)
s u s p i r i a
day 04 - a song that makes you sad

A lot, and I mean A LOT of songs make me sad. I kind of fucked up, because all of my songs for the "your favorite song" day were... songs that make me sad.  I ultimately decided on this song because it... I don't know.  It holds memories for me.  It's a good song by a good band, check it out!

So, we've missed two weeks of school for this snow.  They still haven't called off tomorrow, yet the roads are coated in a sheet of ice and around three inches of snow are still lingering.  I don't wanna get ready for school when I know that in the morning, they'll call it off :(  I mean, yeah, I should shower tonight whether I have to go to school tomorrow or not... but I don't want to spend two hours straightening my hair for no reason.

PS I can't find my book bag.  It's a duffel back with hot pink and black zebra stripes.  How does one lose something like that?!

Ah, so we meet again.
n a r s h a 2
I really need to get in a habit of updating this thing.  I have notebooks of my musings laying around to fill a novel, but I digress, I've never been good at keeping up an LJ.

There's some cool stuff going on right now!  I was cast in the role of Beth in my school's production of Little Women: The Musical.  I had never auditioned for a play or musical before (not counting a Christmas musical in the 3rd grade)  but I got in, and a leading role, too!  I get to die and everything.  It's pretty exciting.  Beth is a really cool character and we have a lot in common, so I'm really exciting to play her.

It was pretty frightening, the audition.  I thought I was going to simply be auditioning for the drama teacher, but INSTEAD... I got to audition for eight professionals (stage actors, some of them, others were directors) and... I was really terrified.  See, the drama program at my school is kind of a big deal.  It brings in more money than the football team and we're kind of known for putting on these huge, extravagant shows.  You walk out feeling like you went to an actual broadway show, not a high school production.  This is because Mrs. B is... kind of a dictator.  But a friendly dictator! 

Anyway, I was confident (sort of) in auditioning for her - she had pretty much begged me to audition, because a lot of her drama students were having trouble with the singing, as they don't often put on musicals, usually sticking to plays.  She was counting on converting some of us chorus kids into drama kids.  But... I don't act much, or at all, if you don't count Michelle and I's little skits that we write and record!  So auditioning, singing and acting, for those people? Terrifying!  But apparently, it went well, because I have a major role and I've never even acted before (once again, if you don't count that stuff)!

I've always found acting to be... really, really tempting.  It always bewildered me as a child that you, at some point, reach this magical age... where you have to suck all of the magic out of your life and stop playing pretend, and start being a serious business adult/teen.  And... I was no normal kid when it came to playing pretend.  I was a nazi about it!  I would come up with lines and tell my mom exactly how to say them.  We'd have to start over from the top any time she broke character.  My stocking stuffers?  Were props that I could use while playing pretend.  I even had costumes!  I had this huge collection of things like that, and I'd do up the whole house to make it suit whatever I was acting out (usually... Harry Potter). 

Basically... I'm really looking forward to this.  I've always wanted to get some real acting under my belt, I love singing and making music, but I would love to express myself artistically in even more ways... and this is a musical adaption of one of the most read novels of all time!  This is a really big deal to be cast in, especially as one of the sisters... I'm honestly still pretty terrified, since I'm the only person in this cast who has NO experience with this.  But... I'll do my best!  Let's hope I don't totally embarrass myself...