Effing periods.
Feeling ugly, gross, fat, crooked-boobed, useless, and dumb. 

Ugh. :(

So, uh.
As usual, I've fucked myself over, just a bit.  I don't even know where to begin, so I'll start in the middle. 

I am currently dating a friend of mine from years ago.  It's... kind of a disaster at this point.  I don't know.  It's funny how I can be totally freaking out about shit he doesn't even know I'm freaking out about, him thinking everything is normal and that I'm perfectly happy, when it's really quite the opposite.  And I don't know, maybe I'm being ridiculous. 

He's kind of a slut and kind of an asshole.  Ever since I first met him, I've been trying to make him be a better person - not say or imply that I'm some sort angel or anything, but he's... completely shameless.  And I don't really think he's changed.  Everytime I see him comment on some scene whore's myspace I kind of want to punch myself in the face.  Because I know he's not talking to these people for friendship - no, he hasn't changed that much. 

He talks to these people so he can meet up with them some place, and fuck them, or so that they can sext or blah, blah, blah so on and so forth, I don't really want to think about it.  That's just kind of how he rolls.  And then comes to me (because we've doing this routine for about, oh, 3 or so years) crying about how he always picks the wrong people, the ones who only want sex, when he of course wants more, and he ends feeling like shit in the end.  And I tell him that it's all their fault and that he, of course, has done no wrong in the situation, because I learned a while back that trying to tell him, "Hey, maybe be less of a skank." just... isn't going to work, and if I can't improve him in some way, make him gain some modicum of maturity, then I mind as well, at the very least, try to make him feel better.  I don't care if he has friends, why would I?  I'm not a psycho, I'm not asking for a lot here, I don't think.  But these people aren't friends - they're just people he's lining up to replace me with when he realizes I~ don't really wanna have sex with him, or for when he inevitably gets bored with me.

If I ditched skinny jeans, and teased hair, and heavy eye make up for... coming to school the way I'm dressed right now?  He would have absolutely no interest in me.  And it's not like I've changed myself - I've always dressed that way,  straightening my jew fro and teasing into some sort of scene monstrosity isn't exactly new to me either.  But I never obligated to do it, before.  Now it feels like part of my duty, somehow.  All I can wonder is... why do I have to keep an image?  I'm not the frontman for some band, I'm not anyone relevant.  Shouldn't I be able to wear and do things just because I want to do them, not because I feel like I have to do them to keep some guy whose really not even that into me, who is only dating me because I'm closest to his type that he can find at this school?

When I forget about the fact that this entire relationship is doomed to end in some sort way that completely fucks me over and leaves him entirely unscathed, I can actually be happy.  When this started out, I knew to keep my distance, and I still... kind of am, but I guess after a while it's just something you can't avoid.  You start to care about someone in that way, whether you want to or not.  It just sort of happens. 

It's on days like this, that I would gladly go back to sitting at home, being homeschooled, and only having friends online.  I never really wanted to have traditional teen years anyway, and now that I'm experiencing it, I can see that it's all... basically a bunch of monotonous, angsty, teenage bullshit.  Ah, to have common sense again.

03 - A Song That Makes You Happy
Wagamama Koushinkyouku!

I am going to take forever to finish this, at this rate XD

Well, that didn't go well.
Okay, so my day was off to a bad start when I woke up at 4 am.  I was aiming more for 6:30 so my sleeping hours got kind of fucked up and I was groggy as hell. 

Mom told me she wanted to be out ASAP because she wanted to get everything worked out since we were sure that registering for school was going to be absolute hell.  The state of Georgia fucking hates homeschoolers and basically does their best to punish them in any way possible.

So despite me waking up early, we're instantly late.  Our plan was be out the door by 8:00 on the dot, but since mom was a diva about waking up, by 8:30 she wasn't even dressed yet.

We drive, we get there.  Everything is going fine, we're filling out papers with the woman in charge of documents.  It's when we start talking to the counselor that things take a nose dive. 

Basically, because I have missing credits from being homeschooled... I have to be a Sophomore.  I don't. Know if I can express how humiliating this is for me, but when this all dawns on me I just start crying and can't really stop.  We get taken to the principle (who was a total asshole, and painfully condescending to both me and my mother) to try and work some sort of arrangement out so that I can be a Junior.

The only way it can work is if I do virtual school at home, as well as doing classes AT the school, AND homework for my at-school classes.  I would have to make up 12 missing credits on top of passing my irl classes, working on school work day and night.  The only way to fit in that much work is waking up at 5 am every day and going to bed at like 3 am.  Yeah, there's not really any mentally or physically healthy way to juggle that much work.

My OTHER option would be to, before August, pass the EOCTs that of course would have had nothing to do with anything I would have studied at home.  You can't pass a test when you didn't take the class!

So, I'm being held back a year.

It's basically a shame upon the whole family.  It's actually considered better in my family to drop out and get your GED than be held back a grade.  When the state tried to do the same thing to my sister, that is exactly what she did.  =/  Being held back is like wearing an idiot badge of pride.  Ugh.  And it doesn't even have anything to do with my abilities!

On top of all of this, I won't even get a diploma because of my LD.

Awesome, Georgia.  Awesome.


See? There was a time when I was adorable XD it was just 16 years ago!

Day 01 - Your Favorite Song
We're going to count this as being for the 17th, because I had no intentions of waiting until 5 am to do this XD So I'll be doing another when I wake up, inevitably at some time in the after noon, later today.

This one is painfully hard because I don't do favorites, really. It sounds stupid, but it kind of makes me feel like I'm shafting the other songs when I choose a favorite one. I know - I'm insane. But I'm the kind of person who, when making a list of favorites, even when numbered, adds the footnote "In no particular order!"

In the end, I have to decide on a song. My criteria is... what is a song that summons the most emotion in me, out of all the songs I've ever heard? Music, like all other art forms, is meant to speak to people in some way... so what song speaks to me?

Day 01 - Your Favorite SongCollapse )

13 lbs down...only 40 to go x_x
lots of weight talkCollapse )

So, enough weight talk!  Last night I slept over at my friend Whitney's house for the second time ever.  It was fun - I got there a bit later than planned, 3:45ish.  We played catch up in her room for a while (I haven't seen her since before summer vacation, and I'm not much of a phone person so there was quite a bit to catch up on!), We watched around 30 minutes of Saved (on VHS!) until her parents got home - they don't really approve of the movie to be around while it's on, yet don't disapprove enough to not buy it, apparently.

Around 5, we went outside and began to slave away at setting up the above ground pool.  I'm so freaking glad my aunt has a real pool... setting up one of those above grounders ever day would probably kill me in this heat.  We ended up not having the patience to wait for the hose to fill it up completely, so we resigned ourselves to sitting down in the 4 or so inches of water and chit chatting for a few hours. 

I had to break it to her that Kaoru of Dir en grey no longer has purple hair, but has made up for that loss by inventing a method of growing pubic hair on his face.

After that, Whitney set up some chicken rice cooking on the stove and we watched Ghost Whisperer and discussed Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs.  Cupcakes (sans icing, because Whitney hates icing) were eaten.  I convinced her niece that I have magic powers, which I didn't even mean to do. 

I introduced Whitney to dubbing - I think she's a little confused by how it all works but she's interested in it.  She was impressed by the Hana Project dubs I played her, so I may end up with an IRL dubbing buddy! :D Many duets will happen if so. 

I put her make up on - the only style of make up I know how to do, which is my Creepy-chan meets Gerard Way circa Three Cheers look that I sported quite frequently during my emo middle school days, LOL.  We moved to the living room and finished Saved at around 2 am, and went to bed :D that was my Thursday.

Well, without the part where my mom drags me all around town looking for speakers while I try to explain to her that an iPod dock with speakers is not compatible with my computer.

Today (Friday - I'm ignoring the fact that it's 2 am) I moped around for a while, sang some songs, tried to forget the discouraging news I received about my friend Hannah's relationship status.  She is dating a guy she seriously does not need to be dating, and she didn't even tell me!  Bad decision by Hannah, yet again. 

There were fireworks today (because the neighboring town is doing it on Saturday, and no one wants to do it on Sunday.) but I didn't watch them - they weren't especially pretty this time around and they seriously skimped, probably due to lack of funding.  The show is generally around 30 minutes but this time it was maybe 5 minutes, 8 max. 

Then we (we being my mom, my nieces, and me...or I. Me? I? Fuck, I'm tired LOL grammar fail is my department, whatever.) went for a night swim at my aunt's house.  It was fun and this was where it was revealed that I am  a closet Celtic Woman fan. Oh yes, yes I am.

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This is the kind of saucy stuff you's guys will get if you follow me at DailyBooth, man!

Because you all wanna see me nekkid.  Obviously.  Well, not naked. But. Wet. In a towel. XD

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We're hypothesizing about my mom's race.  It's fun.

LOL wtf.
I lost 10 lbs in one week and don't even look any thinner.  I hate having linebacker shoulders.


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